The Awakening

I would like to apologize for how long it has taken me to write this piece. Part of it was due to lack of Wi-Fi, and the other part was simply that I didn’t know how to adequately convey this into words. I am still not confident in my abilities to do so. I will begin with a caution: this piece is going to say some things that you (the reader) may not agree with. There is a slight chance that you will label me crazy, and that’s ok, but please be mindful of where your judgements are coming from.

This piece is about my spiritual awakening. I am not going to preach to you. I in no way relate what happened to religion. What happened is a transformation. My eyes were opened for the very first time. This transformation began in Naini Tal but it was in Rishikesh that the true eye opener happened. It was the fourth of July and I was sitting in a Yoga Theory lecture. I became consumed by what the professor was saying. All I could do was stare into his eyes—I failed to jot down a single note that day. This is where it gets a little weird. About half way through the lecture I had begun to see a white aura around the professor. I was concerned that either I really needed to eat something or I had completely gone bonkers. I had blinked several times and looked away but every time I looked back at him the aura remained. I kept this information to myself until that evening when I told one of the staff I confide in. She explained to me that a white aura is the purest. She also became excited and said that a veil has been lifted.  I had been all smiles that day. Several shopkeepers had given me small trinkets for free as a symbol of luck. Everyone in the group had commented about the energy I was radiating. The kicker? Everything that the professor had said were things I have been told my entire life. It was on that day that I finally heard everything.  Everything had clicked and I felt like it was the first time I had ever been awake.

The next day I had woken up feeling off. I attempted to use grounding to get through the lecture. As I went to leave the classroom the professor and his wife had stopped me for a chat. They wanted to tell me how beautiful I was and have a conversation. I then informed him of the aura I had seen. He told me that I was very rare and gifted and that I will be a healer. I shared with him my career goals—art therapist—and he said I had chosen wisely. We wrapped up our conversation and I went on my merry way. That day I had done some independent exploring of Rishikesh. I got lunch with some of my classmates who had told me that I was glowing and they truly acknowledged the shift in me. I wish I could put it into words. Everything seemed brighter—the colors were more vibrant, the smells more pleasant—I guess it was like wearing rose colored glasses. I had felt comfortable in my own skin. I enjoyed food. I laughed to the point my face and belly hurt. I danced in the rain, oh how I learned to love the rain. I had experienced true happiness. For those few days I had let go and it was absolutely amazing.

Unfortunately after we left Rishikesh I had gotten in my own way. I found myself bitter and cutting myself off from being social. I had seen the Taj Mahal in that time and I didn’t even appreciate it.  It wasn’t until yesterday that I finally found the joy again. I am currently in Palampur. I will be leaving in two days for Dharmashala. Ever since I have arrived in Palampur I have not been able to keep a single meal down. My energy was depleted and my mood was even worse. Eventually I had had enough, as well as the staff and yesterday I saw the doctor. To humor me he ordered blood work to check my liver (I caught on that this was merely an act of b.s. but played along just as well). Early this morning I got blood drawn from my right arm through a syringe to have my liver checked. At 9:45am I met with the doctor again to go over my results. He asked me how many times I had vomited since our last meeting (3) and then checked my pulse. He then looked me in the eyes and said “Ivey, what is all the stress about?” I rolled my eyes and thought “great, another doctor who thinks I’m crazy.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to hear him out. My stomach issues were stemming from severe emotional distress that I wasn’t processing. The doctor had locked his office door and wouldn’t let me leave until I talked. I can honestly say that I have never had an appointment quite like this. Eventually I laid everything out on the table. In that hour and a half I had learned so much about life and myself. In the end, I left his office a new person. I shed my baggage which I have lugged around for so many years. I feel lighter. I feel . . .  at peace.

This piece was a bit more personal than my usual ones. The reason I share it is because this awakening is exactly why I am in India. It was one of the things mentioned to me by the scholarship committee. It was my main goal out of this experience.  I think that so many of us are wasting our lives searching for ourselves when the truth is right in front of us—All we have to do is open our eyes. I’ve known who I am since the day I was born but I let other’s opinions sway my perception. I have adorned several masks and eventually got lost behind them. There have been times that I have briefly seen the real me and I was afraid of her. She wasn’t what I was told—she had undying potential and power. Now I am ready to accept this. This is who I am and my life is going to be awesome. In the words of Jen Sincero, I am a badass and I am going to live my life in my new awakened state. Will you join me?